The start. The beginning. A word. A sentence. The hardest part. The first step. A long road ahead. Never ending but ultimately beginning. No illusions. No wishful thinking. That's what rushes trough your restless mind when typing in the very first letters of an enormous text, making the first move towards the one you love as you kiss their lips so tenderly, your thoughts so tangled yet so intense. The taste of vodka in an herbal tea. Desperately you press on, through the dark, the unknown, glass shatters, porcelain crushes. The start. the beginning. A word. A sentence. The hardest part.
But you make it. Because you're passionate. Because their is so much your heart has to tell. You can't hold it any longer. And in the sliver of a second you do what you never thought would happen. The adrenalin. You're the numb toe of humanity. But you move to the beat of something big, something magically ethereal. You look up into the velvet rug, sprinkles of white. You hold your breath. You drown, and then, suddenly, everything crashes, breaks down, that lego house you loved so much. So many stories, so much light and love. The windows darkening. We are just the fraction of a chemical reaction. Look up. Look at the stars. We are like ants. Trust me, we don't matter all that much, all our problems, all our struggles. We don't matter. We are so little. Every oh so precious thought you're leading through the ballroom of your brilliant mind- it doesn't matter. We are too tiny to grasp the grains of time. We are too tiny too carry the weight of eternity on our shoulders. There's something bigger watching us. And yet. There is nothing to hold on to. We float- like driftwood. We are empty shells never to be filled with anything of meaning. Call me insane. The thing is- I know I am right. There is no other way. Let me drown. I will gladly rest my head on the ocean bed for I can't take to fight against the pressure of the current anymore. Maybe this is just a pathetic try to get out of the mess I call my thoughts, and though all our thoughts, feelings and words will be forgotten in the end, and nihilism is totally my thing right now. I know I feel, so deeply, so intensely, so all-consuming. So choose wisely. Decide for yourself- What kind of color do you want to tint this life?. But know that it doesn't matter. No matter how hard you try. There's nothing up there that will last long enough. We are just a fraction of a meaningless chemical reaction. We don't matter.
